Too small for shoes(part 2)

No one ever talks about journalism colleges. In fact my family thinks I'm a bit of an airhead for having gone and gotten an admission in one. So you want to be Barkha Dutt? They ask me.

I don't want to be Barkha Dutt.

And so I spend my days doing the most un-Barkha Dutt like things. I am 21 She fumes Obviously I am going to write about love and friends and sex. Give me a break She holds up her assignment sheet, covered in red pen marks.

This is a journalism college you know- I remind her.

But she's RIGHT. We are 21, we sit on the terrace at the villa and mull over whiskey and coke. Sure its barely legal to drink right now, but let's face it guys- we are old.

My girlfriend wants to get married, He tries to slip in offhandedly. Doesn't work.

We all scream, WHAT?

We'll probably just get engaged once college ends, I dunno. We've been together for six years, he reminds us defensively and then curls up to hear our wrathful judgement.

Instead, S cries gleefully, Invite us to the engagement, I want to DANCE

Alcohol- A says slowly, like she can't stress the point enough. I want lots of A-L-C-O-H-O-L


My wedding, I tell them, Will have BUCKETS of Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Clearly neither of us is growing up soon.

I don't want to grow old I tell A and S in a half whisper. I'd make a really batty old lady They agree with me.

Probably wont feed your child, they remark.
I will buy him his own food. GOD. How many times do I have to remind you I am not selfish. I just don't share. There is a difference.

We laugh.

The best years of your life, my mother reminds me over the phone, You will never look like this again. Enjoy it. She tells my Dad.

And my dad's no agony aunt. He sends me an email the next day- Stop pitying yourself, he types in caps lock, if it bothers you so much, do something about it.
He cites examples too. Like Raveena Tandon. I am bitter but impressed with his knowledge of Bollywood

Yeah. Gotta start putting anti-wrinkle cream once we are 23 , A reminds me. We are only half joking.

Too small for my shoes

"We are adults now. When did that happen? How do we make it stop?"
(Grey's Anatomy. OBVIOUSLY. The only source I can quote from after three years of English Literature. No thank you to you Mr. Shakespeare. Although I do recall a certain line about a certain little white ewe being tupped by a certain old black ram. But that's only because my perversion got the best of me.)

But we are ADULTS now. Does that mean I have to stop being afraid of banks? I think that's the only thing keeping me from plunging into adulthood. A bank to Kritika, is like a potty to a child afraid of potties. It speaks to me in gutteral tones, "2 out of 100 in math. Seriously? SERIOUSLY? And you walk in here, impudent piece of shit, what do you think of yourself?! You think you can do it NOW? Do you not remember what happened with you and trigonometry last summer? Forgotten the shame already eh? Get out I say. Get OUT."

Do I have to be neat? Like learn how to fold clothes? Apply nail polish INSIDE the nails. Do I have to share now?

Because I can't do these things. there are only so many nachos inside the nachos box, and clothes are vile and tricky,sleev-ey and button-ey. Lets like compromise, I do my nail polish bit and I NEVER have to do banks and clothes and OMG..SHARE.

I don't know how to embark upon this journey to adultland. The land of bills and mortgages and family and marriage...

The HORROR! - That's Joseph Conrad bitches!

Mothers

she-All boys want one thing at this age.

me-Oh so you mean they get better once they are older? Do they get wiser and want other things?

she-Don't be cheeky, yes THEN they are mature. At this age they are all out to have fun.

me-I don't believe you.

she-You think they aren't jerks?

me-Uh not that, I don't believe you when you say they'll get better, wiser, mature-er whatever.

she-We are just trying to protect you.

me-I know.

But....how much longer???!

she- Till you're mature enough to handle them yourself.(sub-textually- Till you get married, sub-sub-textually-till you get arrange married)

me-How does it make a difference, when it all boils down to the one thing, which they'll obviously want even when I'm mature enough to know that that's all that they want.

she-But you'll be older then.

me-Wait...so do you want me to be older and more mature, so I can try and find someone who wants the one thing, but is from an Ivy league college, good looking and has a great sports car? I already know what they want. Geez, frankly this is not even the kind discussion I want to be having with you right now. It's awkward and inappropriate.

she-But we are the only people who really care about you. Plus there is the whole deal about the hormones at this age. You know boys and their wild, raging hormones.

me-Ugh! No. Please not the hormones. I refuse to talk about the hormones with you, esp ones that are wild and raging!

she-Why? You know you can talk to me about ANYTHING.

me-Uh..no. Not boys.

she-okay. alcohol? There was alcohol too at the party right?

me-oh ya, vanilla vodka..awesome!

she-WHAT?

me-kidding. I hate alcohol.

she-yes, please hate alcohol and cigarettes.

me-and boys.

she-yes boys. Specially boys with alcohol and cigarettes.

me-oh cmon, you're freaking me out. Are they that bad.

she-yes, at this age, the hor-

me-don't say it!

she-they get better, but not right now, right now they think with their DI-

me-aaaaaahhhhhh!!!!! i'm blocking you out now!!!!!!!!( sing latest hindi movie song at the top of my voice)

she-you get the message.

me-no alcohol. no cigarettes. no boys.